No one will raise your children exactly like you. This is an uncomfortable reality. Still, it is imperative to be thoughtful when considering who, in your absence, should raise your children. Indicating a guardian can quell family fights, communicate confidence to caretakers, smooth the traumatic transition for your children, and provide guidelines that honor your memory. 

In most cases, your child/children will live with this guardian, who will take care of the day to day needs of your child/children–doctor’s appointments, school registration, overall rearing.

Additionally, if there is a large sum of money left for the children there may be a conservator appointed by the court, or a trustee that you’ve appointed in your estate planning. This individual can be the same as your appointed guardian, or a different person.

There is no one size fits all approach, but I’d like to submit 4 specific considerations when making this decision.

Consideration #1: In the absence of you indicating, there is NO standardized priority for who the courts appoint as guardian. 

There seems to be an assumption that if you do not name anyone as guardian, the law has a specific process of priority to appoint one, i.e. first, grandparents, second, aunts and uncles, etc., but this is not the case. In fact, anyone can make a petition to be the guardian so long as they make the case that their guardianship is in the best interest of the child/children. Once they petition for guardianship it is up to other family members to offer evidence as to why they do not agree. If the court does not hear any opposition to the petition, it will likely move forward. The court can only know what the court is told. As you can imagine, many family fights occur on the guardianship battlefield because “best interests of the child” are often subjective. So the first consideration is that ANY INDICATION from you is better than none. And barring any damning evidence to the contrary,  YOUR INDICATION will always reign supreme.

Consideration #2: This is not the time to worry about hurt feelings. 

In a matter as weighty as who will be in charge of raising your children, hurt feelings should not be a factor. You are also not beholden to anything you’ve said in the past, or told this person or that person. You get to do what is best for your family and that may change over time. For example, a brother with two kids when you first mentioned this may now have 5 kids, and live across the country. There are a myriad of reasons why you decide against someone that you have previously thought (and maybe even told) would be a good fit. 

Consideration #3: Don’t limit yourself to family members. 

While often extended family is the right pick, it may be that a family friend is a much better selection for this role. They might parent more like you, and honor your wishes to a greater degree. They may also be fairer with sharing time among your surviving family members. They might be better decision makers without the mix of pressure from other inter-familial expectations. I think it is always wise to consider friends as you think through caretaker options.

Consideration #4: Rarely can you have it all, so you best well know what is most important to you. 

You likely won’t be able to select a guardian that is going to have absolutely everything that you want. So, a good place to start is to write out everything you would want and hope a guardian would be or not be, and then begin the process of ranking what is most important to you. Some find this exercise painful. It sucks to know that your kids may not get everything, I see you. And yet, prioritizing what you think is most important will be a helpful guide to you. 

As you navigate, pay special attention to things that would be difficult to change through circumstance or instruction. 

For example, if someone that you are considering struggles to be accountable for their mistakes, (something that will occur often in parenting) this will be far more difficult to remedy than say if someone has a house that is too small for additional children. Money can remedy the latter, a change of habit or character is required for the former.

So when considering your list of priorities, note what you can control and what you cannot. An increased life insurance policy could provide a larger home for your guardian, but very little you do could help a guardian learn accountability. 

Are you following me? I hope so, because I think this is very important. 

Often when making a decision like this we reach for logic to inform us, but much of your guardian decision-making will be influenced by feelings, and it should be! Using this method can help marry the emotional with the logical, leading to an overall peaceful decision.

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